


saudade

by annie_dot



Series: all I had was silence, and with the absence of your words, I took it as an answer [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depressed Uzumaki Naruto, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Uzumaki Naruto, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Pining, Post-War, Therapy, a lot of it, but he is getting better, but it's only mentioned, god sasuke pines so much in this, no beta we die like women, sasuke is whipped, whipped guys whipped
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:08:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29131560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annie_dot/pseuds/annie_dot
Summary: saudade(n.): a feeling of longing, melancholy or nostalgiaHe was turning 18 in a few months. This entire year had felt like a vivid nightmare. And still, he turned towards where the hospital was, kilometers away, and thought the only true regret he was left with was leaving the first time, and the second time, and all the times in between. The only true regret he still had was his hand through the chest of the only person he'll ever love.orSasuke thought getting Naruto out of that goddamned bed would be it. He was wrong.sequel to :lassitude
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: all I had was silence, and with the absence of your words, I took it as an answer [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2137674
Comments: 5
Kudos: 117





	saudade

**Author's Note:**

> you guyssss i was completely _floored_ by the amount of amazing thoughtful comments this thing received. not gonna lie, it inspired me to write some more. 
> 
> so here we go because i feel i've hurt everyone including myself (especially myself) a bit too much with the last one, so here is something slightly better
> 
> i also call it sasuke's love letter. 
> 
> enjoy!

ɷɷɷɷɷ

Winter passed them by, and before he knew it, the first flowers had already bloomed.

Sasuke had never noticed how much happier people seemed to be during spring. He kept the windows open these days, even when it was chilly outside, and every day he could hear the giggling of the little kids. Going to the Academy, or just to the park with their parents, it didn't matter, they were always happy. People laughed in the market, loud voices resonating all over the place, jokes and nice smells. 

He thought maybe it was all the horror and angst that had surrounded him for most of his life that had stopped him from noticing that what people were saying, about spring being a new beginning every time it came around, wasn't complete bullshit. 

He was making his third tea of the day. The clock was pointing towards 8, but it wasn't really relevant. He hadn't gone to sleep in the first place. He had plans to work some more in the garden during the day, but it still felt too early to start. Guy had given him a lot of advice, which he reluctantly had to agree was pretty good, about how to start a flower garden. 'Love and patience,' he had said. Sasuke had none, but he'd be damned if he didn't find some in the depth of his wretched soul. 

So he started the garden and was working in it daily. It was routine by now. In the mornings, he worked alone, after his mandatory three cups of tea. He had given up coffee, and he felt the absence every step of the day, but it didn't matter. He worked until around lunch, when he'd get up and prepare something easy, always from the cooking book Ino had given him. she said it's her mother's, for when she wants to go on another crazy detox diet, and that he could keep it, because 'it's not like she doesn't have another twenty around the house, honestly Sasuke.' He had plucked out the sensible ones that could be prepared fairly quickly and weren't extremely restricting in terms of food that made life worth living. 

And he was practicing, trying a new one every other day, and perfecting old ones on the others. He desperately wished he hadn't let Konoha get all his belongings after Pein's attack, because he could remember, crystal clear, that his mother used to make this wonderful tomato soup, invented just for him, and he thought it would have been the perfect recipe. He just couldn't remember all the ingredients, and improvising had never been his forte. 

This was another thing he did a lot these days, thinking about his parents. It always left a gaping hole in his chest, making him want to hide away right after, but he had listened carefully to Tsunade's advice, and he was trying to figure out his life. thinking about his parents, remembering them, trying to pinpoint the exact point on his father's forehead that worry line used to form on, the way his mother's hair smelt, and how her voice sounded when she would sing him to sleep. He remembers they used to cook and bake together before Sasuke started Academy and got so involved in ninja-training. He had tried to see where his father went wrong, with the coup, why Konoha had to take action, and it was so hard, to force himself to give up old habits. There was this fine grey area in his mind now, between the mistakes his father had made and the mistakes Konoha had made. He called them mistakes now, and he breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth when doing that. 

Itachi was everywhere, at all times, and it depended on the day whether that was a comfort or another reason for Sasuke to hurt. His mixed feelings hadn't gone away, but Tsunade had said even realizing he had mixed feelings was progress compared to a year back, so he picked his battles. 

There were a lot of things he wished to have been able to ask his brother. Not only about the kill order, or why he hadn't taken Sasuke with him, because he couldn't find it in himself to wish for that any longer, but about his current situation. He wanted to ask Itachi about Shisui, about whether his boyish impressions had been even one bit true, about how Itachi had dealt with it all, especially with Shisui's death. 

Maybe he just wanted his big brother to be there and put a comforting hand on his back, poke his forehead and assure him that he was doing just fine. 

Hinata usually found him deep in thought, a fourth cup of tea in hand, half-eaten food in front of him.

She always brought dessert. Not dango, because Sasuke thought he might never be able to eat it. Sometimes it was pastries, or homemade scones, once she brought an entire chocolate they ate in silence, another time orange juice. She was also the one that brought him groceries, and Sasuke had gotten into the habit of leaving out the recipes he was planning on trying, so she knew what to buy. 

She was always the one to say hello first, a soft 'Hello, Sasuke-kun' Sasuke never felt he deserved. They ate their treats in silence, and after that, he led them back to the garden, where the princess of the Hyuuga clan would get on her knees, in the dirt, and dug her perfectly manicured fingers right next to Sasuke's. She always fixed up his mistakes first, and only then started on her own flowers. She planted daisies, and sunflowers, always. 

They rarely talked, but it was more about comfort than conversation anyways.

She didn't stay long, only maybe a couple of hours, because she still had a clan to lead, but coming meant the world. She always kissed his cheek as a goodbye, and Sasuke thought that this sadness and uselessness he felt at all times had somehow spread to her too.

He never went back to the garden after Hinata left, choosing instead to busy himself with work inside the house. 

The house itself wasn't big, just comfortable. It was one of the modern ones, built in a very quiet and calm part of the city, but not cut off from the other villagers. There was a park just a bit to the right of it, and it was also a frequent route for those living closer to the borders to go to town square or the Tower. Two stories, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen and a living room. It had a big yard, enough for Sasuke to fill with flowers, slowly but steadily. His favorite part was a little balcony just outside the room he had claimed as his own, perfect for watching the sunrise. 

He slept on the couch, mostly.

Ino showed up for another cup of tea, around 5, just before dinner. She talked his ear off, lounging in one of the armchairs, long hair brushing the floor. She went on and on about her mother, who she could just not get along anymore, now that her father was dead, and about how well the flower shop is doing now that it is spring once again, and about a get-together for Chouji's birthday, and about the gossip of the day. 

Every day, like clockwork, she showed up and talked. 

She left in less than half an hour, hurling disguised insults over her shoulder, actually making Sasuke smile. 

He didn't cook for dinner, always eating whatever was left from lunch. 

After he was done, he would always find Shikamaru smoking on his back porch, no matter how many times he had told him to get his filthy habit away from his house. 

Shikamaru kept him updated on politics and Kakashi's antics. New laws and the new way the Hokage almost started a war that day. 

Shikamaru seemed stretched too thin, juggling so many things at the same time, but Sasuke couldn't figure out a way to comfort him besides sitting on that little bench with him and listening. 

The reason for his frustration showed up, every time, right after he had left. Kakashi had brought him a bottle of sake one night, finding Sasuke collapsed on the floor of the living room, red eyes and drying tears on his face. He hadn't said much, only brought a couple of glasses, pouring them a drink and sitting down next to Sasuke. 

It became, once again, a habit. One single glass of sake each night, after sundown, no words, then parting ways. Sasuke saw it as a way to remind each other that they weren't alone, that the team they had both seen as a joke was still somehow standing, even through all of this, when all three of them wanted to give up and run.

Sasuke only got up for his last visitor of each day. Every day, a knock would come, when the time would be nearing midnight, and Sasuke would jump out of his seat and rush to open the door. This time, like all the others before, Sakura passed by him, throwing off her shoes and putting down another book on his counter. She then turned towards him, and, like all those times before, looked at him with pity in her eyes as she slightly shook her head. Sasuke nodded, like he always did, and took the book to see what it was about. 

She did his dishes, and wiped his counter, while he sat down at the table and poured them both a glass of wine. He, like always, pretended to read the book until she was done, then gave her his unlimited attention when she sat down with a sigh in front of him. 

'There was this woman that came to the hospital today, she had a piece of lead stuck in her thigh, from the freaking war. Can you imagine? Waiting for so long? She's a civilian, so of course, she didn't think to just rip it out like idiotic shinobi would have done, but waiting for so long? Geez.'

'What made her come in?'

'Her son. Smart guy if you ask me.'

Sakura spent every day at the hospital, even when she wasn't working, but she rarely reported back to Sasuke. He thought it was better this way, not knowing. He half-believed knowing would have killed him.

She left after midnight, and it always made him worry, how much sleep she was not getting, but, well, the kettle and the pot. 

She turned towards him just before going out the door, and he got a flashback to a month ago, when she turned just like this, and whispered 'It's only been three days. We have to be patient.' He wondered what she'd say tonight. 

Sakura just leaned in and wrapped her arm around his middle. His went impulsively around her back, and he found himself really hoping she wouldn't cry, because then he'd cry, and then they'd never stop. She just breathed deeply, head burrowed in his chest, before pushing herself off, whispering 'Goodnight, Sasuke,' and slipping out the door. 

He climbed the stairs with shaky knees, and took a shower while counting his breaths. 

The nights were always harder, without the sun glaring on top of his head, reminding him, making him have hope. 

He slipped between the sheets, even though he knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep. The moon seemed huge, and, not for the first time, Sasuke wondered what he would have seen in Obito's daydream. 

He reached out to the other side of the bed, where no one had ever sat, and clenched his fingers in the pillow. 

It had been a month since Naruto went into isolation. 

ɷɷɷɷɷ

_He looked from Sakura to Tsunade, not really grasping what they had just told him. Sakura was sitting down, next to him, and he was really grateful she hadn't attempted to hold his hand._

_'What's her name?' he spat out. He had aimed for spite, but it only came out weak._

_'Yumisa. She's the best there is, and she's discreet. I don't think I have to tell you how important that is.'_

_He wanted to know why it was important, why the village, always the village, couldn't find out that Naruto had been pushing himself so much for their sake that now was suffering health consequences._

_'Sasuke,' came Sakura's voice from his side. 'We need you on our side. Getting him to agree will be hard anyway, but if he sees you have reservations, he won't do it, and it's incredibly important he does it.'_

_He closed his eyes and breathed in, trying to keep his calm. 'He's doing better – '_

_'And if you want him to keep on doing better, this is the next step,' Tsunade interrupted. 'That woman is a specialist. She may not be a shinobi, but she's been working with them her entire life.'_

_Sakura took his hand, and he didn't find it in himself to push her away. 'Do you remember what I told Kakashi-sensei that time? He needs help, medication, therapy, and a support system. We made the medication happen, and you and I? We're the support system. But there is nobody but a specialized doctor that can give him therapy. Mist has been doing this for a while, and it's working. The fact that the Mizukage is letting us use her people is proof of how much this world needs him to be better. He keeps a balance, peace.'_

_I need him better, thought Sasuke, but didn't say._

_'I can take care of him.'_

_Tsunade scoffed, and both Sasuke's and Sakura's heads snapped up. She was frowning down at him, hands on her hips._

_'You need to figure your own shit out.'_

_'Tsunade-shisou –'_

_'No, let me speak. You want him to what, come live with you? Where? Do you even have a bed outside this hospital? Where would you take him, Uchiha, to the woods? He has to do this, the therapy, the isolation, figuring this out, and when he gets out, he'll need a stable home, with stable people that don't make him question the fragile truths he is relearning. Do you have that hidden in your fucking cloak? You can’t even take care of yourself right now, and sending Naruto home with you would be signing his death sentence.'_

_'Tsunade-sama!'_

_She crouched down in front of him, and Sasuke felt, for all his 17 years of fighting and multiple S-rank jutsus mastered, like he was 5 again._

_Her face softened, and she placed a hand with more care than he thought she was capable of on his knee. 'I know you've been through shit. So sort it out. Figure it out. Set yourself straight. And I'll think about it when he gets out.'_

ɷɷɷɷɷ

'Gaara-sama is in town,' threw out Hinata the next day, while they were watering the plants. Sasuke didn't react. 

'I heard,' she continued, 'that he made quite the scene at the Tower.'

The conversation stopped until she was getting ready to leave. As she pressed on her tiptoes to kiss his cheek, she whispered 'Maybe you should go see what it is about?'

He didn't. 

Shikamaru and Kakashi didn't talk about it, and Gaara was gone the very next day. 

ɷɷɷɷɷ

_Tsunade entered first, followed by Sakura. Sasuke stopped right in the doorway._

_Naruto was sitting on that damned chair next to the window, looking out with a wistful expression._

_Sasuke's heart clenched. He wanted out, not another round of doctors and hospitals._

_Sakura sat on the bed, but Tsunade remained standing. Naruto didn't look at any of them._

_'Naruto,' began Sakura, the designated bringer of bad news, 'there's this girl that would like to talk to you, if you agree?'_

_'You mean a head doctor, right?' came Naruto's sharp reply, still looking out of the window._

_Tsunade spoke up, 'They are called therapists.'_

_'They deal with crazy people.'_

_'You're not crazy.' Sasuke and Sakura spoke at the same time. Naruto turned around and looked at Sasuke. The look from the first few weeks was back, empty and lost._

_Sakura looked at him, and Sasuke knew that it was up to him to convince Naruto. He walked into the room, heading to where Naruto was standing, until he was right in front of him. He lifted his real arm to Naruto's cheek, and saw the way the other's eyes fluttered close._

_'You can do this without her.'_

_'Sasuke!', came Sakura's indignant response from somewhere behind him._

_'But,' he continued, 'she can make it easier. It's only for a short period of time, and then I'll get you out of here. I'll take you home.'_

_His heart was rabbiting in his chest, and he knew he was spouting bullshit high as a house, but it didn't matter what his feelings were. Sakura was right, Naruto needed specialized help._

_Naruto nodded and Sasuke whispered a soft 'okay' before breaking away and turning around. Once out, he turned to Sakura and said, 'I want to meet her before she goes in'._

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He went to the memorial the very next morning. It had become, once again, routine. He looked at the stone every Saturday and imagined his brother's name carved into it. he imagined a statue, like the one Naruto had drawn, somewhere behind the trees, hiding, watching over the city, like nii-san always did. 

He remembered clearly those first few days after he and Sakura got back, the way the entire city was quiet as a grave, even if nobody knew why. 

A monument would be more than he would have expected. Even Itachi's name on the stone would be more. He wondered if it mattered anymore that people still saw him as a traitor, an evil man. 

He didn't know how he felt about his brother. He missed him, that's for sure, but he had no idea how he would react if Itachi was to appear out of nowhere. Maybe he didn't even want that. Maybe he missed his nii-san, everything they were before the massacre, but Sasuke saw him in his last days, the way he was ruined to the very core, bent by guilt and remorse. 

Maybe they both became different people, changed beyond recognition both by their own actions and by this wretched town. 

Would it be easier, to admit he missed the brother he knew when he had been a child? To admit that what Itachi had done, no matter the reasons, had left irreparable damage somewhere deep in Sasuke's soul? 

He knew he was weak, always had been. Chasing power, and revenge, drowning in his anger and sadness and confusion rather than facing it and dealing with it. He had always let it drive him, let it push everyone away. 

It was a bit funny, because no matter what he did, he ended up in the same place anyway. He played right into his brother's plan, even when he thought he had become the master of his own sea. He ended up in this awful city, even though he remembers vowing that the next time he steps foot inside the borders, it would be to destroy it. 

He found himself thinking something he had never thought he would be capable of. 

He didn't regret it. 

His heart ached every time the thought passed his brain, but his brother's death, Obito finding him, telling him the truth, it put him on a path to revenge even bloodier than the previous one, but it also put him on the path of the Konoha shinobi. He ended up on that battlefield, next to Sakura and Naruto, and then he ended up here, and he can't regret it. 

The first time they took him in after arriving, he was sure he'd be released and he'd leave. 

He wondered, now, what would have happened had that become true? 

There was this numbness that took over his body when he thought about Naruto going through what he did, and Sasuke not knowing about it.

When he was 12, he used to look at annoying orange and sun-like hair and sky blue eyes and think this, this here is the only redemption this city will ever get. When he was 15 he looked at the same blue eyes and blond hair and thought he's the best of them, the best of all of us. 

He was turning 18 in a few months. This entire year had felt like a vivid nightmare. And still, he turned towards where the hospital was, kilometers away, and thought the only true regret he was left with was leaving the first time, and the second time, and all the times in between. The only true regret he still had was his hand through the chest of the only person he'll ever love. 

ɷɷɷɷɷ

_Yumisa turned out to be a very short, very strict, very young woman. Even Sakura looked at her with doubt and suspicion in her eyes._

_When they entered the room, Yumisa was talking to Tsunade, and she looked like a child next to the former Hokage._

_Sasuke wanted to turn around, grab Naruto and run away._

_Sakura took his arm and led him to the chairs before he could._

_He sat down instead._

_Soon enough, the other two turned and started walking towards them._

_'Try not to be rude,' whispered Sakura from his side._

_'I'm never rude, just honest.'_

_She glared at him and he shut up._

_'Haruno-san, I've heard quite a bit about you. It's a shame we didn't get to meet while you were touring my country.'_

_Sakura stood to bow, but Yumisa caught her hand in what looked like a handshake before she could go through the motions. Then she looked at where Sasuke was still seated and said, 'And you must be Uchiha Sasuke. Your name precedes you.'_

_He stared at her, trying to think of something to say that wouldn't come off as 'rude', as Sakura so eloquently put it, but his mind was blank. She only raised an eyebrow before taking the seat in front of them._

_'I'll let you talk while I go get the Hokage to sign all the necessary documents,' Tsunade said before disappearing._

_Yumisa had very long hair, maybe even longer than Ino Yamanaka's, and so black it looked blue. She was looking straight at him, maybe still waiting for him to say something, but Sasuke couldn't find a single thing to say for the life of him._

_Sakura cleared her throat before speaking, 'So, could you tell us a bit more about the procedure?'_

_Yumisa turned to look at her. 'There's no procedure. We're going to have a chat. Multiple chats, actually. As many as will be necessary.'_

_'So talking,' spat Sasuke, feeling his blood pressure rise, 'will cure him?'_

_'There is no cure, Uchiha-san.' She was looking at him again, as if she was trying to see inside his soul, as if she could and didn't like what she found._

_'Well,' Sakura said, 'we were thinking that maybe it could be hard to tell? If we continue with the medication – '_

_'If you continue with the medication, and if you let me do my job, then maybe, in the hopefully not distant future, Naruto-san will be able to resume his daily activities without wanting to throw himself off buildings every second of every day.'_

_Sakura fell silent, and Sasuke grabbed the handles of his chair so hard they almost broke, clenching his jaw and closing his eyes. He knew, in the back of his mind, that Naruto wasn't fine, that maybe he'll never be really fine again, but hearing it put in such a blunt manner was like a knife to the back of his skull. He didn't want to consider that his future might entail watching Naruto around sharp objects and making sure to lock the medicine cabinet every time._

_'He never presented any signs he might be suicidal, Yumisa-san,' protested Sakura weakly._

_Yumisa nodded her head, her face still set in a serious and blank expression. 'That's true, but my job here is to make sure he doesn't do that in the future.'_

_She folded her hands in her lap before looking back at Sasuke._

_'I was told he will be living with you once he comes out?'_

_'Yes,' managed Sasuke._

_'Good.' She got up and walked to the desk on the other side of the room. 'Is your house somewhere with good natural light? Is it a house to begin with? He'll need fresh air, and quiet, so an apartment wouldn't be very beneficial. Also, about the light, you might have to knock down a wall or two if it is one of those old traditional houses, because lack of sunlight was proven to cause depression on its own, even without preexistent mental problems.'_

_She walked over and placed a stack of papers in Sasuke's lap._

_'He'll react badly to the medicine in the beginning, so he'll need a special diet for the first few weeks, maybe months. There's enough to get you started and to help you figure out the pattern of what he should be eating and what he shouldn't. Only light meat, and fresh vegetables, and absolutely no processed foods.'_

_'He loves ramen,' said Sasuke, looking down at the papers in his lap. He felt a hand wrap around his forearm, but didn't look up._

_'Yeah, no, that'll have to go if it's from a package, and I'm sure whatever is sold at the local restaurant wouldn't be too fresh either,' Yumisa announced, sitting down and brushing her hair from her face with a hand. Sasuke saw her holding some bottles in her other, and promptly forgot all about restrictive diets and the house he didn't have._

_She took one bottle and held it out to Sasuke. 'Now, for the most important part. There will be medicine he'll have to take, to deal with his actual illness, but that medicine will have side effects. What you gave him until now is pretty good, but after my assessment of his chart earlier today I decided we could give him something more aggressive without fearing it might do more bad than good. Automatically, the stronger the drugs, the worse the side effects. While he is in isolation, I'll have a whole team of nurses to watch him, and getting him used to what will be his new lifestyle for the rest of his life will be one of the most important points of focus. But, once he's out, someone else will have to do that. Uchiha-san, look at me.'_

_Sasuke did, voiceless and thoughtless for the first time in his life._

_'You just embarked on a very difficult mission. This won't stop, ever. I have a feeling Naruto-san will be responsible, and won't need babying too much, but even the most responsible people sometimes fuck up. He might not adjust too well to being back home, with normal, regular activities. You need to help him adjust. Even if he does adjust, he might fall into another episode down the road and take the executive decision he doesn't need his medicine anymore. That couldn't be more further away from the truth. There are a lot of people that see themselves improving and stop taking the drugs, because they think they don't need it anymore. Your job is to stop that from happening. It won't be easy, and it can be exhausting, so I'm giving you an out now. There are specialized people he can hire, the city can hire, whatever. You feel like you can't do this, you turn around now. Because he needs stability, and patience, and care. He can't have people walk out on him, or make him feel like he's a burden, because he'll feel that enough on his own. You start this now, you have to be there, even if it gets hard, even when he says he doesn't want or need you, even when he blames you for everything that went wrong in his life.'_

_Wouldn't he be right, thought Sasuke._

_He was to blame. He fucked it all up, chased a ghost and a lie for so many years without realizing the consequences of his actions would impact more people than just him. He left him, time and time again, tried to kill him, time and time again._

_'Sasuke, we can take some time to discuss options,' said Sakura._

_He shook his head and met Yumisa's eyes, 'No, there's no need. I know what it means. It won't be a problem.'_

_She nodded before speaking again. 'I talked about side effects, and I wasn't joking. The most common are insomnia, night terrors, and muscle pains. Most of the people that are on this course of treatment have had at least two of them. Some others have experienced hair loss, although not a concerning amount, or fatigue, so those are options. There were some cases in which we had to deal with vomiting and rashes, but these are not normal. If they happen, you need to take him back to the hospital and have Haruno-san run tests. Maybe the rations didn't work, or maybe there's another factor we didn't take into consideration. Keep in mind this isn't a magical formula that works for everyone. Different patients have different needs, and we might have to adjust the dosage multiple times until we get the results we want.'_

_Sasuke nodded and let her push the bottles in his hands. The white one for nightmares, clear for muscle pains, red cap for insomnia._

_Yumisa cleared her throat and looked slightly embarrassed for the first time since starting talking. 'I don't make a habit out of asking about my patients' love life, so I don't want to know about whether he is involved romantically with anyone, but, another pretty big side effect could be erectile dysfunction. He is the hero of the elemental nations, so I bet he has boys and girls after him all the time, but more than that, he is a 17-year-old man, and this could be a very hard blow for him. I wish I could tell you how to approach the situation, but the best I can say is that it won't be permanent. The more time passes, the more stable he becomes, and we can twiddle with the drugs until both us and him are comfortable with the result.'_

_He could feel Sakura staring at him from his side, but he kept his mouth shut and eyes on Yumisa, listening to everything she was saying. It hadn't even crossed his mind, he realized. In between the few kisses they had shared, Sasuke hadn't even thought once about anything more. What mattered was Naruto safe, home, happy, nothing else._

_Yumisa leaned back against her chair, still looking at Sasuke, and said, 'You're not scared. Your lot can take a knife to the neck without flinching, but emotions have you running. And yet, you're not scared.'_

_'I think I'm talking for both of us when I say it was a lot scarier coming home and finding Naruto in the state he was than anything that is to come,' responded Sakura._

_Yumisa smiled. 'I beg to differ. Getting him where he is not was the easy part. A needle to the vein, and bam, he's talking and eating again. Getting him further will be a struggle, because the fight is out of your hands and into his, and most times, getting people to want to fight is very difficult. Both of you might want to forget everything you knew about his personality previous to this, because for the next few months, he'll do a 180. He'll become angry, and maybe even aggressive, will lash out, will try to place the blame on anyone and anything he can. There's no one to blame, but him accepting that will be very hard. You'll witness him losing hope, wanting to give up, holding on by a single thread. So, Haruno-san, excuse me when I say, the scary part is just beginning.'_

_Sasuke felt tears prickle at the back of his eyes, and quickly averted them back to the bottles in his hands. He didn't want to listen to this anymore. He didn't want to keep on having this conversation. He wanted to go back to two days ago in the hospital room, with Naruto's head on his chest, watching the sunrise._

_'If he does all that, what exactly do you do?' he said instead._

_'I put him on the right track, Uchiha-san. It's called therapy. I push him towards seeing things more clearly, towards discovering what is true and what is not. This thing we do, the isolation, it helps patients figure things out without the pressure of the outside world, without other responsibilities. We stop all communication to their loved ones not because we try to hinder their recovery, but because sometimes they might feel obliged to get better for their loved ones, and that ends up in relapse, or not taking their medicine. I was told Naruto-san cares very much about a lot of people, and adding the fact that he is now a public figure, with kids everywhere looking up to him, he needs to be taken away from all this pressure. I need to make him understand that he has to get better for his own good, not because of what society says or because he's scared people will leave him otherwise. For somehow like himself, who has built their entire identity around the approval of others, it will be a very difficult process. So we'll talk, and we'll continue talking once he's out. That's the procedure. Did I pass your test, Uchiha-san?'_

ɷɷɷɷɷ

He was cooking dinner for once, because Ino had expressed her desire to eat with him. She was leafing through one of the many recipe books that he now possessed, marking the ones she thought Naruto would like. 

It stung, really, that Yamanaka Ino ended up knowing Naruto more than he did. Maybe he did know Naruto's dream, and the philosophy he lived his life by, and his mannerisms, and the way he looked when he was confused, but he had no idea about the small things, the ones everybody learned gradually over the years Sasuke missed. Like the fact that Naruto can't stand carrots, and can't cook for the life of him. 

Sasuke would have thought that someone who lives alone has to know how to cook in order to survive, but he never thought about the fact that Naruto didn't have anyone to teach him. Sasuke had his mother, for those first years of his life, and he built all he knew on top of that. Naruto never had a mother, or a father, or a twisted older brother that loved him more than his own life. Sasuke remembers him clinging to a rock in Valley of the End years back and shouting across the empty space about how Naruto couldn't understand him, couldn't relate, because he had never lost anyone. He shouted that as if it was a good thing, as if Naruto should be grateful he never had anyone to begin with. But the truth was that during the nights in which it didn't hurt that bad, Sasuke could close his eyes and see the exact shape of his mother's smile, could feel the tap of two fingers on his forehead, could hear his father's voice saying 'that's my son'. How many small acts of affection Naruto didn't know existed? How many easy touches Naruto didn't receive? 

It was all he could think about lately. Naruto didn't know how having people love you felt like, he didn't know that being expected to live on instant ramen was not right, living alone at the age of three was not the way things should be. It made him ache somewhere very deep inside, a place he thought was numb, when he thought about how Naruto was never tucked in, didn't have a dinosaur plushie stolen from his older brother to soothe him in his sleep. How many people saw Naruto and took him at face value, never questioning what lies behind the clear blue eyes and sunny smile? Sasuke had been one of them. 

'You should buy peaches, Sakura always says he likes peaches, but the truth is I never saw him eat one in my life. You should still buy some. Worst case scenario, I'll come eat them,' Ino's voice came through the haze. 

He had stopped stirring.

He started again.

'It's too early for peaches.'

'I know,' she groaned, letting her head fall on the table, 'but I'm dying for some right now. I think I might be pregnant.'

'Are you?' asked Sasuke without turning around, skeptical.

'No,' she admitted, 'but I almost got you there Uchiha. Next time.'

He smiled in his pot, letting his hair cover it. She was great company, and always managed to make him forget all the things that weighed on his mind all day long. He thought she might be his first friend in Konoha besides Sakura and Naruto. 

Kakashi came by because they had things in common, always had. Dead family, prodigy, outcast. They both felt responsible for what happened to Naruto. He had been trying his best to place the blame where it should be, meaning nowhere, but he was so unused to it that every day he caught sight of himself in the mirror and found himself thinking 'you did this, you made him like this, you ruined him, it's your fault'. 

He listened to enough of Yumisa's advice to understand he needed to stop before Naruto came home, because there wasn't anyone's fault in the end, and he needed to focus less on his self-loathing and more on helping Naruto recover. 

There was also the little thing about how if Naruto saw self-harming habits, he might try to copy them, and about setting an example for living a healthy life.

But he didn't think anyone told Kakashi that. He knew that Kakashi regretted focusing as much as he had on Sasuke when they were kids, letting Sakura and Naruto fall into other hands, and he blamed himself for every bad thing that had happened to the two of them ever since. So he came and saw Sasuke, because he knew that deep down, both of them were haunted by the same regrets.

Shikamaru came by because, yet again, he felt responsible for what happened. But in his case, it was a much more practical than theoretical guilt. He could have gone by to check on Naruto earlier, he could have been less lost in his own grief, he could have paid more attention. 

Sasuke snapped at him once, telling him to stop, because at least he had been here, whereas Sasuke had been halfway across the world, researching freaking taijutsu tactics of all things. Shikamaru never admitted his guilt out loud after that.

Sasuke saw Hinata as his counterpart in a way, and he thought she did the same. Both of them were completely perplexed by the entirety of Naruto's energy, the way he demanded attention in every room he was in. Both drawn to him like moths to the flame. Both weak when it came to him. So she came and planted sunflowers in his flower garden, because that was all they could do at the moment. 

Sakura was practically forced to be his friend, because the two of them were what was left. Even when they had been in different corners of the world, Naruto had still been the glue somehow keeping them together. 

The glue had vanished, dried up.

'It's our turn,' Sakura had said, after Yumisa left the room to go talk to Naruto. 'It's our turn to keep him together.'

So they met every evening and pretended they weren't waiting around for news.

But Ino, Sasuke thought Ino came to check up on him. Maybe for Sakura, maybe for Shikamaru, maybe for the Hokage, to make sure he wasn't going anywhere. But she came, joked around, acted like a brat, insulted Sasuke and took his mind off things for half an hour a day, and it was more than she owed him anyway. 

'People are talking,' she said after they sat down at the table.

'People are always talking,' responded Sasuke, grabbing his chopsticks.

'Don't be daft, Sasuke, it's unbecoming. I meant about Naruto and his so-called mission.'

He bit down with more force than necessary. 'What are they saying?'

'That no one saw him leave, and there's this man that swears up and down that he saw medic-nins coming out of Naruto's apartment months ago. There's a theory he's dead, apparently, and the council is hiding it to stop another war from starting. But then, they ask, why would you still be in town if he were dead. It's a mess, really. Gossip has really taken over.'

'Were there?'

'Were there what?' Ino asked, raising her eyes to look at him.

He had lowered his chopsticks, grip tight around them. 'Medic-nins coming out of his apartment?'

'Oh, yes, it was an entire mess. Shika didn't really know what to do when he just wasn't responding, so he came and got me. Idiot, I know, but I think he panicked a little. So I stayed with Naruto while I sent him to Kakashi-sensei, because this was not only the hero of the elemental nations, but also the jinchuriki of the nine-tails, so we needed to be discreet. Kakashi-sensei came in, tried the same thing we did, then sent me to take a team from the hospital, but make them sign an agreement not to speak of what they were about to witness. I don't even want to know what they thought would be there. So anyway, I bring them, Shika is pacing a hole in the floor, Kakashi-sensei was still talking to Naruto, and Naruto was, well, you already know. The medic-nins sedated him before taking him out to the hospital, but it was an entire team of them, checking for chakra modifications and unnoticed seals and things like that. As I told you, a mess.'

He stared at the table, thinking that this was a situation that needed to be addressed. If Naruto found out people knew when he came out, it'd only set him back. And still, how could he do something without proving all their theories right, how could – 

'Sasuke,' Ino said, putting a hand on his, 'you said it yourself. People always talk. It's the rumor mill. Nothing will stop it. That doesn't mean any of them believe anything they themselves say. it's fine.'

He nodded and went back to eating. 

'Plus, if they get too close to the truth, I can always just leak that I'm pregnant and Naruto will become yesterday's news.'

'You're not actually pregnant, Ino.'

'I wasn't this morning, but you never know.'

He smiled and opened his mouth for a retort when his front door burst open and he got a glimpse of Sakura's pink hair. She turned the corner half a second later. Sasuke was already standing.

'Sasuke,' she said, a smile on her face, tears in her eyes.

He dropped the chopsticks.

ɷɷɷɷɷ

_He had offered to help him pack, which might have been the worst idea in Sasuke's entire life. Did he really believe he could handle seeing the way Naruto's hands were shaking while he was folding his blanket?_

_Sasuke knew he was scared. Sasuke himself was beyond terrified. This whole ordeal was terrifying. He went to bed and woke up each day not knowing what would happen, and tonight, he'll go to bed in a mostly empty, very new house, while Naruto will be in a closed-off hospital wing, just him and doctors and nurses._

_Sasuke was pushing the plant from one corner of the window to the other when he heard his name being said from behind._

_When he turned, Naruto was looking around the room. There were unshed tears in his eyes._

_'I think I'm ready,' he said, voice just above a whisper._

_'Okay,' said Sasuke back. He walked towards Naruto and reached for his hand. 'Let's go, then.'_

_Naruto nodded, but made no motion of leaving. He let Sasuke open the door, drag him through it and down the hallway. It wasn't a long walk, it almost seemed comical, the way they acted for just a few steps._

_It felt like kilometers over kilometers._

_Sakura was sitting by the doors, with Yumisa. They were the only ones, and Sasuke was grateful._

_Naruto stopped walking just when they came into view._

_Sasuke stopped too. He turned towards Naruto. He was looking straight ahead at Yumisa, hand gripping Sasuke's hard._

_He tugged a bit at their joined hands and Naruto started walking again._

_Sakura saw them first, and her face morphed into the same kind smile she always had when Naruto was present._

_Naruto stopped again. 'I can't.'_

_'Yes, you can.'_

_'No, I can't go in.'_

_'Naruto.'_

_He turned towards Sasuke, tears still present, shaking from every single joint. 'I can't, Sasuke, I just can't,' he whispered._

_Sasuke wanted to cry, to trash, to scream, to destroy the sun for daring to shine on this horrible day, to level the hospital and run away and hide._

_He swallowed around the knot in his throat and let go of Naruto's hands to place his hands on his arms and tug._

_Naruto fell forward as if someone had cut his strings, and his hands clutched at Sasuke's shirt immediately, face hiding in his shoulder._

_He was still shaking. He was shaking so bad Sasuke was scared he'll break, turn to dust in his arms._

_He engulfed him in his arms, rubbing circles into his back, mouth near his temple._

_'Shh.'_

_He was fighting back tears himself, but he couldn't let Naruto see them._

_'Listen to me,' he whispered, hoping that Sakura, looking at them with her own tears in her eyes, wouldn't hear. 'I will be right in front of these doors, waiting. I know it's scary, but you're not alone. I'll be right here. I'm not going anywhere. It's only for a short period of time, and when you'll be out, I'll be right here. Right here. Do you understand?'_

_Naruto was still shaking when he nodded, face still hidden in Sasuke's shoulder, hands gripping his shirt._

_It took everything in his body to push Naruto away._

_He had tears streaming down his face._

_Sasuke clenched his jaw and breathed in deeply, before putting his hands on Naruto's cheeks and wiping off the tears._

_'Don't cry,' he said. He hoped for something else to come out, but his throat was suddenly parched, unable to produce any sound._

_'Naruto?' came Yumisa's voice. 'We're ready when you are.'_

_Naruto kept eye contact with Sasuke for another few seconds before nodding._

_For the first time in their lives, Sasuke waited for Naruto to let go first._

_Naruto let Sakura hug him right outside the doors. Sasuke stayed where he was, knowing that if he were to follow, he'd never let him go. He had to let him go._

_He turned to look back at Sasuke right when Yumisa opened the door, and Sasuke thought he might have tried to smile. Then he turned around, and the door closed behind him._

_Sasuke watched until his back disappeared behind a corner, gripping Sakura's hand._

_'I need a drink,' she said long after Naruto's blonde hair was no longer visible._

_'Me too,' Sasuke replied, voice rough._

ɷɷɷɷɷ

They were entering the front gates of the hospital three seconds after storming out of his house. Sasuke never managed to make it to the entrance door. His legs stopped. He heard Sakura gasp beside him.

They had cut his hair. It used to be a mess, long and mated. It was still longer than how he used to wear it, maybe around the length Yondaime Hokage used to have it. It looked shiny, clean. Healthy.

He looked healthy. He wasn't wearing hospital clothes anymore, instead dressed in simple grey track pants and a white shirt. He seemed to have gained some of the weight he had lost back. 

He was talking to Shikamaru, his usual smile present on his face. 

Then he turned, and they made eye contact.

Girls used to tell love stories, back when they were in Academy. The girl meets prince charming, they make eye contact, and their hearts stop beating, the world stops spinning, the birds stop singing, everything besides the two simply stops existing. They fall in love at first sight.

It wasn't like that.

The world went on spinning, and birds kept singing, and the child from across the yard started crying in his father's arms. Sasuke's heart was beating just like it had a second before. 

It also filled with joy. Pure, unadulterated, joy. He thought he had never felt joy like that before. Satisfaction, and contentment, but never joy. He felt a smile break out on his face before he could help it, and he instantly teleported closer, only a couple of meters away from him. 

'You said you'd be in front of the door, you bastard.'

Sasuke choked out a laugh and threw his hands around him.

'Naruto,' he said, like a prayer, like he had been saying in the dead of the night for 35 days now. 

Naruto's hands went around his waist, and his head, just like it had 35 days before, buried in Sasuke's shoulder. 

'Hey, teme,' he whispered, and Sasuke only gripped him harder. 

He turned his head up and looked at the sun, and for the first time in 35 days, when he breathed in, it was easy. 

Naruto let him go to hug Sakura, who was smiling so hard it had to hurt. Then he turned back to Sasuke, reached for his hand, looked him in the eye and said, 'Take me home?'

Sasuke's voice broke when he said 'Yes.' 

ɷɷɷɷɷ

**Author's Note:**

> that was it! 
> 
> i had planned to make this the first installment and write some more but it just naturally ended here i guess. anyways, what's certain is that i'm not done writing for this thing, so yes, it is now a series. 
> 
> thank you all for reading, and for those of you who also read the first one, welcome back, i hope you liked it!
> 
> comments and kudos pay my bills because the government is still not giving me the option of paying them myself


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